Oh, isn’t Justin Bieber fantastic! Look at his hair! Look at his hoodie! Listen to his beautiful voice! See how he meets his fans purely in order to make them happy!

Yeah, whatever.

The girl Bieber meets is clearly a freak, treating the teen pop singer as some kind of god to be immortalized. He isn’t. He’s a dick.

Why do you think he’s on Ellen in the first place? To promote his new movie and his new album, of course. Do you really think he’d have bothered with all this if there wasn’t something in it for him? If so then you’re very naive.

Do I wish I was Bieber? Yes, as I’d love to have even one female craving my attention. But if I was Bieber the first thing I’d do is invest in a better haircut; the second thing would be to retire.