March 17 is St. Patrick’s Day, when the Irish, people of Irish descent, and basically anyone who wants to be part of a massive worldwide party, celebrates Ireland and Irish culture.

But how do you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day like a real Irishman? Here’s an 8-step guide informing you exactly how to manage to do so. Although some of the advice is questionable at best.

Guinness, green clothing, and a few choice Irish phrases are all essentials. But pinching people on the behind, attending church, and the whole malarkey with the clover are all optional extras.

The most interesting part of the video comes at the end with the fact that 34 million people in the U.S. now claim to be descended from the Irish – more than the population of Ireland today. Which implies there are either a lot of liars or Ireland is a place to move away from ASAP.