Satire Category

Posted in: Satire by Chris Tew on June 27, 2017

Steve Harvey at a ceremony to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Steve Harvey at a ceremony to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Despite hand held cards and purported teleprompters, sources say Steve Harvey is using no script as host of the latest “Celebrity Family Feud”. In a recent episode, Harvey’s family, including his mother-in-law began quarreling when he asked they’d trade in their man for.

 

Acting jealous and shocked, the comedian continued the show by playing to his guests’ feelings. The ABC show had previously avoided hurting people’s feelings, but insiders are suggesting that Steve Harvey acted so spontaneously he may not have realized what the reaction would be. Post-airing analysts Joe Warbler and Jen Hannigan suggested Harvey looked quite dazed in subsequent shots.

 

The next part of the show featured basketball stars Ralph Sampson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. A stagehand reported the card Harvey was holding had merely a doodle.

 

Scriptwriters were unable to answer inquiries regarding the purported missing scripts to the show. One was overheard saying that the “host might not need one – he’s so much funnier without it.”

Image By Angela George, CC BY-SA 3.0, Link

Posted in: Satire by Chris Tew on June 24, 2017

LOS ANGELES - OCT 12: Lindsay Lohan arriving at the "Saints Row: The Third" Video Game Launch at the Supper Club on October 12, 2011 in Los Angeles, CA

LOS ANGELES – OCT 12: Lindsay Lohan arriving at the “Saints Row: The Third” Video Game Launch at the Supper Club on October 12, 2011 in Los Angeles, CA

For actress, singer, and model has been reported to say she is getting more publicity by remaining elusive than doing any work in the public spotlight. Sources in Hollywood claim her strategy is calculated. No spotlight has meant focusing on other things, Lohan has said, but remaining in her position of anonymity has boosted her morale.

Many blame various personal and legal problems for Lohan’s absence from the public eye. Some insiders have suggested for some time she may be staying low for a reason. She has been seen working with kids and at women’s shelters, doing good deeds.

However, rumors have surfaced she will appear in “Sick Note”, an upcoming UK series in which she’ll play her favorite role, the boss’ daughter.

“I’d also like to space movies. It’d be so cool to shoot aliens and stuff, or be the savior of a planet,” Lohan said to a friend under Oath of Embellishment.

Posted in: Satire by Andrew Scott on June 19, 2017

Rapper P. Diddy earned $130 million in the past year, according to Forbes. According to the organization, that is even more than Beyonce. Sources close to Diddy say he is contemplating what to do with all of his money.

According to rumors, the rapper/businessman contacted agents with an offer to buy the Olsen twins. He also bought two mansions in the Hamptons and a condo in Miami. Representatives of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen didn’t return phone calls.

Artwork for a forthcoming album cover reportedly features only a dollar sign. Also, Diddy has made numerous tweets about spending money, earning money, and all things money, according to an anonymous source.

Diddy’s past 12-month earnings make him the highest paid celebrity in the world for last year. Business interests include a record label and possibly a bid to send the first human to Mars sometime in the future.

Posted in: Satire by Andrew Scott on June 19, 2017

On Monday, Taylor Swift surprised an interviewer when she announced she was working on a full-length album of Katy Perry covers. The two pop stars have been sparring as of late. Back and forth comments from both have flooded the airwaves.

The as of yet to be titled album will feature “Firework”, and reportedly an acoustic version of Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”. A highlight is also expected to be “Last Friday Night”, which insiders say may feature Swift on banjo.

“It seems like she hates me, but that’s because some things I said were misunderstood, I think,” Swift said. “People think I’m mean. It bothers me, but I try not to think about it too much. I just want to have fun and everyone will love this record.”

According to reports, the album will be exclusively available on iTunes.

Posted in: Satire by Chris Tew on June 7, 2017

Are you enjoying just too much internet fame? Sick of making millions of dollars just by acting like a total jackass online? Well boy do I have the solution for you.

Its called the Onision strategy!And it’s easy as pie to do. Simply go on a few crazed twitter rants voicing some unpopular opinion. Pick any one it doesn’t matter what, you’ll want to offend as many people as possible.satire tweet 1

Next you’ll want to make a series of videos claiming to be on the receiving end of constant harassment. Enough for people to want to help you through it. Its best to avoid any specifics and whether or not you instigated it should be irrelevant. Delete any evidence that might place you at fault. Does anyone else’s side of the story even matter?satire tweet 2            Finally be sure to have a nice long history of constantly lying to your fans, lying about your business partners and trash talking your spouse and her family when it’s convenient to your story.  Better yet make a few videos about it and be sure that it hits over a million views.

            Not able to milk it for views and infamy as much as you wanted, no problem just be sure to reference some small piece of it throughout other videos. That will invoke enough curiosity from your audience that you’ll be able to milk cheating for on your wife for years to come.

What? You say your infamy isn’t as high as you would like it to be?

Well that’s an easy fix.

 

Just make it your personal goal to break every taboo known to man.

 

Openly embrace a polyamorous lifestyle, tell everyone how much you love threesomes, go ahead and discuss your sexual history in detail. It shouldn’t matter if your followers are only around 13, just call it educational or informative.

 

            Keep at it long enough and soon you’ll lose every fan and every benefit of being famous. Heck you might even lose that house you’ve been renting for nearly 10 years! But that’s if you’re lucky.

Posted in: Satire by Chris Tew on June 4, 2017

For many years, rumors have circulated that not-so-flamboyant, mildly un-charismatic TV shrink, Dr Pop, has some sinister lobbying connections.
But it seems that the truth is even worse than we thought.

A certain highly fanciful leaked document, of which we can neither confirm the precise source nor its actually existence, says that Dr Pop started off with noble intentions, and merely tried to follow the noble, time-honored tradition of fleecing gullible patients and viewers of their hard-earned cash. But then, it seems, things took a more sinister turn.

In this letter, Dr Pop laments:

Then the calls started coming. At first it was once a month. Then once a week. Then every other day. Eventually, it was pretty much non-stop. I mean, I’m weak. I know I have a problem. The first step to solving your problem is admitting you have it.

And what’s my problem? I simply have no backbone. If I had simply stuck to getting money out of gullible idiots, that’s pretty much the most morally and socially acceptable thing I could have done in post-Reaganite America. Nobody would have batted an eyelid.

But, to actually scam people at the behest of morally corrupt lobbyists? Well, for reasons I cannot fully fathom (probably because I’m still pretty much in denial… well, ish!), it just so turns out that adding in the magic ingredient of morally corrupt lobbyists suddenly makes a bit of good old honest graft and fraud some kind of morally unconscionable crime against America!

If I had just kept doing the right thing, and scamming and defrauding gullible morons, but doing it on my own, nobody would have had the slightest objection to any of it.

But because these corrupt idiots from Big Pharma tempted me to keep producing these inane television shows, in order to dumb people down, lower their guard, and soften ‘em up and turn ‘em into mindless drones, so that Big Pharma could fill up their empty skulls with whatever inane stupidity they wanted; apparently it alluvahsudden becomes a big deal!

Well, this is just moral and social suicide in the USA of today! There is absolutely NO amount of shameless swindling of gullible, brainless fools that can ever stand up in the court of public opinion, once you start bringing lobbyists into it. I’m really scared. Once people finally find out about this stuff, the Bernie Bros, the Greenies, and even the libertarians, will be calling for my head.

But hey! What can I say! People make mistakes. I accept full responsibility, but it wasn’t my fault!

Even so, Dr Pop’s program is still worth a look.

Well, I kind of had to say that…

But why?!

Well: ask no questions, hear no lies!

 

Posted in: Satire by Chris Tew on June 1, 2017

Alien flying with lights took the bikeCelebrity actress, stylist, and all-around socialite Drew Barrymore claimed this week that E.T., the extraterrestrial she starred with in the 1982 movie of the same namesake, abducted her several years later for unknown reasons. Barrymore claims she was taken between October 4-6, 1995, from her California home.

Barrymore said in unsubstantiated reports she didn’t know how long she had been in outer space. “They took some body fluids and examined me, you know, alien stuff, but not without permission. The aliens on the ship were very, very nice.”

According to reports, medical examiners were unable to find evidence of an abduction. So far, nobody has come forth to report the actress had been missing for any substantial period of time.

The Non-Associated Press reported that no suspicious activity was reported in the local area at the time Drew claims to have been abducted by extraterrestrials. A local dispatch obtained over wires did, however, report a couple of missing bicycles around the same time.

Posted in: Satire by Chris Tew on May 24, 2017

1186px-Friends_logo.svgUnconfirmed reports from the Hollywood Press suggest that the TV Show Friends, which ran from 1994 to 2004, will return for all new episodes soon. Insiders also report that each member of the main cast will retain ownership of the rights of the show on a specific network.

For example, Matt LeBlanc will secure the rights to the TV show’s NBC contract. There’s unsubstantiated rumors that Matthew Perry has a deal with PBS, and Lisa Kudrow will form her own network and air multiple episodes of the classic show simultaneously, and continuously.

Rumors suggest the new show may or may not take place in Manhattan. Jennifer Aniston has ABC rights to it, but is reportedly planning to push it on the Sci-Fi Network. The network assignment for Courtney Cox has not been revealed, but she expressed interest in promoting the show to The Weather Channel, according to the Non-Associated Press.

Rather than at Warner Brothers Studios in Burbank, CA, the new ‘Friends’ will be filmed in an undisclosed, underground location.

Posted in: Satire by Chris Tew on May 24, 2017

LOS ANGELES - MAR 7: Jim Parsons, Mayim Bialik, Simon Helberg at the The Bronze Premiere at the SilverScreen Theater at the Pacific Design Center on March 7, 2016 in Los Angeles, CA

LOS ANGELES – MAR 7: Jim Parsons, Mayim Bialik, Simon Helberg at the The Bronze Premiere at the SilverScreen Theater at the Pacific Design Center on March 7, 2016 in Los Angeles, CA

Defying what physicists have claimed to be impossible, The Big Bang Theory star Jim Parsons revealed secretly that he has a ball of hot plasma in a plastic jar. Parsons is reported to have told several members of the show’s cast, which anonymously told network executives.

 

Details are sketchy regarding this ball of plasma. Inferences from several statements suggest it is about two-and-a-half by three inches, and is infinitely hot. Details also suggest the plasma has been in a state of equilibrium for about three months.

 

“It would require the gastroeconomic equivalent of the kinetic energy of a sub-micro-atomic quasar. The mathematical calculations would require more than any supercomputer could handle, except for my head,” Parsons said in an unrelated statement.

 

Some have demanded to see the ball of plasma, suggesting a subpoena be issued. Opponents (including Sean Spicer) say there is nothing to see and the entity has been properly filed and secured.

Posted in: Satire by Chris Tew on May 5, 2017

Last week a revival to the television show ‘Rosanne” starring Rosanne Barr was announced. Reports now suggest the hit show will feature the Conners not in a struggling household, but a state-of-the-art trailer.

The ‘Conner Trailer’, as many familiar with the production call it, will look like a beaten motor home on the outside, and inside. Loose and flaking panels however, turn to reveal crisp and modern solar arrays. Also, a hidden radar system will alert the family through the smoke detector system of intruders.

Geothermal heat will power the trailer, and all water will be recycled. Another hidden feature will reportedly be an automatic deep anchor system that will activate in high winds. Rumors of an anti-missile defense system have not been proven.

Also, sources close to the producers say that the number of Beckies in the show has been increased four-fold, allowing for more quirky situations and plot twists.